Tuesday, June 03, 2008

From the I Can't Believe I Watched That Files

I'd like to say that I do have good taste in movies. We have a wide collection of Kubrick and Kurosawa films on DVD. I have the full range of Blade Runner versions. I have most of the IMDB in my head and carry it around with me. (I also annoyingly spout out half of it every time a question about movies comes up)
I love movies.
So here's the confession:
The other day I watched BloodRayne. Yes, that classic of the Uwe Bolle videogame-to-movie-to-video genre. Uwe Bolle is doing more to undermine movies that anyone else working within a 50 km radius of a box of film. Think Ed Wood without the camp factor. Or the raw cinematic talent.
There is nothing about this movie that is good. For starters it takes much too long to get from the opening to the ending credits.
From the outset you have a story of plot points unconnected to each other by lines. It's no way to make a kids colouring book and no way to make a movie. Characters, if such they can be called, are undeveloped beyond their names. The main protagonists have extremely modern diction and, except Michael Madson, haircuts.
And Ben Kingsley. I know that worthy work like Sexy Beast and Gandhi don't pay that much, but learn a lesson after Thunderbirds, will ya? Ta.
Turgid fight scenes with quick editing can not disguise the fact that no-one had done any training for the stunts.
Recommended to all who enjoy crappy movies as a guilty pleasure.
Ghost Rider has started running on Sky Perfect or Star Channel or one of those damn things. Wow, that was truly bad. Makes BloodRayne look Oscar-ish by comparison.
So what's next?
How's this for bad news, cinephiles?

Movies - News - Bay brings 'Ouija' to the big screen - Digital Spy
Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes company will produce Ouija for Universal, says The Hollywood Reporter.

Now that's going to be shit!

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